My Sweater or Internet Date?

The Woes of E Harmony! Yes, I must confess before I gave a flying Fig Newton about not dating anyone I jumped on the E Harmony band wagon. Yes, the fabulously confident Gina Crandell did just that- follow the masses of intelligent, beautiful, and confident women who wanted to give internet dating a try. What did I have to loose I thought?

My logic was simple- you can’t be an idiot if you access the internet in savvy way. (So essentially he’s smart) You can’t be too cheap if you are paying for a subscription to something. (Okay he has a job, that’s always good.) Lastly, I have a thing for nerds, so it’s only right I meet them in their realm…cyber world, right? What can I say- I am not oppose to using the World Wide Web to meet people that I already have met in some twisted six degrees of separation type bull sh*t. This is New York- I feel like I’ve already met all the cool people here! But Alas, I quickly found that E Harmony is just as much of a marketing gimmick as the ones I have to pitch in meetings and class.

I posted a profile that SCREAMED Gina… Fabulous! Oh the tragedy that soon followed. I can recall one incident in particular where I had to close a match! This means in the E Harmony world that I had to cancel a date, or worse yet, leave in the middle of dinner. The following email documents my frustration.

“I had to close a match today- and this was no easy feat because E Harmony is sending me slim picking... I really feel like you have to be a pretty White/Asian/ Christian/ Perfect girl to get the matches and luck most people get. And when I do recall the few friends on EH that were dating, they are defiantly White/Asian/Christian/ Perfect- Those Bitches! I quickly found that there are very few black men on this site, or at least few that are willing to date Black women. This bit of news does not ruffle my feathers- as I do not limit my dating options to race… just height I need him to be above 5’9. I have a nasty shoe fetish and we must be at least eye level. The white men that have viewed my profile have yet to initiate conversation, which essentially means that they have looked at my profile and were not interested. SHOCKING… I Know!


Anyhow, Back to the match: So the one Black guy who was really cute, Successful, TALL, and SMART was not compatible with me. $59.99- and this dude was not compatible on 29 different dimensions?!? Those Lab coats are fucking up...I want a refund now. For $59.99 I can get a sweater dress from H&M, I mean really! There is a polka dot black and white sweater that looks phenomenal on me, forget a date, I can look CUTE for the price of this subscription.

Everything was cool until I read his list of must haves which were "I must have a partner who can have sex at minimum four times a week." (What if I’m tired?) “I must have a partner who can share a healthy exploration of sexual desires and surprises." (Like, candle and cake surprise- or two midgets in our bed surprise? I’m scared, ya'll) As I went on almost all of them were related to sex… and surprises. I had to wonder about this on a deeper level. What kind of surprises does he mean another person in our bed? OMG, another man who’s a midget? *Gasping at the kinkiness of the possibilities and retreating in fear* Because of his list of "Cant Stands" which may have been normal by any other circumstances, but were read by me like a open call for a porno audition..
"I can’t stand anyone who is not physically fit." My interpretation: For what, bad ratings on our sex video? "I can’t stand someone who is closed minded." My interpretation: Why, for our Greek style orgy you want me to engage in? No Way Hercules!" "I can’t stand someone who has unhealthy eating habits" MY interpretation: Why does your porno audience not like the fatties? Will my love handles pose a problem for them? I’m scared!” And sadly the list goes on and on and on... I have to revisit my profile-Did he not see in my check list in big bold letters I DO NOT HAVE CASUAL SEX. I AM RESERVED. Even in my Internet quest for potential suitors I find the need to over analyze...Damn my Virgo traits. Damn my unmanning capabilities to spot problems before they occur!”

As you can see I had my issues with E-Harmony- And by the way I never got my 59.99 back. Essentially, I walked away knowing I want my money back- I much rather be in H&M than in front of a computer.